Funny Jokes:
Single Married People ....Boy #1: I hate it when single married people...
Boy #2, interrupting: Wait, single married people?
Boy #1: Yeah, single married people...
Boy #2: Do you hear yourself when you speak? What the hell is a single married person?!
Boy #1: You know, it's people who were married but are single now...
Boy #2: You mean divorced people?!
Boy #1: Yeah! It's the same shit!
Boy #2, walking away: You're a moron...
Why are you taking off your clothesThe husband is shocked and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband says, “No, not at all.”
His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?”
“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.” :)
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A ill mannered waitress became suddenly sick on the job while serving and had to be rushed by ambulance to the emergency room of a nearby hospital. She was laid on one of the tables and set aside waiting to get the attention of the doctor for about an hour.
Suddenly, she saw the doctor with stethoscope around neck, recognized him as some one coming to eat in her restaurant and yelled, “Help me Doctor, I have been waiting too long in pain?”
The Doctor replied, “Sorry Maam, that is not my table. “
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A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street; when little Johnny on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” little Johnny said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed little Johnny a ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.
Little Johnny looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care,” said Farmer John. “Just do something about these crazy drivers!”
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
(...)See rest of the Story of a Smart Farmer (376 words)
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Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.
He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
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One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five dollars!”
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.”
The mother told her daughter, “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.”
“OOOOhhhh” said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,
“Mommy, I got ten dollars.”
The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree.”
The mother replied, “Didn’t I tell you that he is…”
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, “It’s ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn’t wear any panties today.”
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got a F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The Teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ’6′”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”
“What’s the f**king difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got a F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The Teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ’6′”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”
“What’s the f**king difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”
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A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”
“Oh good!” the blonde sighed in relief.
“Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”
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What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, & 78?
At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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